PA1 Update: Death Exercise

I am in the last module of my spring semester - CRAZY. I've submitted clinical rotation requests, and in August I will be off meeting patients and learning how to apply academic medicine in the real world. The past year has flown by, though, it may be because I can barely remember what life was like before school... before my daily schedule consisted of class M-F 8-5, followed by several hours of studying. 

We're currently in the psychiatry module and it's been rough. The mind can do some amazing, yet terrifying things to people who've experienced trauma, neglect, drugs, and genetic Russian Roulette. But today on our schedule, was "Death Exercise" with tissues being the required material. Hmm.... I was sure we would be talking about the stages of grief and practice telling a patient their family member passed away or delivering a terminal prognosis to a patient. I didn't expect to cry. I didn't expect to need my chocolate bucket. I didn't expect to hear personal stories from my faculty. And I absolutely didn't expect to be walked through an exercise where I was a patient with terminal brain cancer who watched her family and life drastically change as my body failed. 

Tears rolled down my face (despite my best efforts to suppress them) as I metaphorically gave up belongings, activities, dreams, and relationships with friends and family as I progressed through the disease. 

When we finished, I tried to process my emotions and tuck them away as I drove home. I told myself I needed to learn to handle my emotions if/when my patients recount their difficulties - especially, if I do an oncology rotation. But when I saw Matt - the relief of being alive, the fear of losing my family, and the reality that death could happen at any time overwhelmed the tiny wall I had started to build - I cried again. 

But that's ok. Today I was blessed with an emotionally taxing lesson. Time is precious. Family and friends are precious. My ability to go hiking, be in graduate school, hug and talk to my family are gifts I frequently take for granted. And I needed the reminder not to. Whatever field I go into, there will be times when I meet patients going through their worst nightmare. Not only do I have the opportunity to support them, but in return, I'm reminded of how precious life is. So many people, myself included, forget that we're not invincible and it only takes a few seconds for life to drastically change. Despite the tears, and lack of studying I'll do tonight; I'm grateful for the reminder.  

45 Hours in Alaska

3 weeks earlier... Matt had just arrived in Fairbanks for his OB clinical rotation and I was preparing for PA orientation. Late one night, Matt and I were skyping (way past both our bedtimes) and somehow Matt ended up looking at flights to Alaska. Thanks to a voucher for a previously missing bag, we impulsively purchased a round trip ticket so I could visit over Labor Day weekend. I'm so glad we did. 

Saturday - September 5th 

I landed in Fairbanks, Alaska after flying all night at 2:30am. Matt picked me up and we went straight to bed! Well I did, Matt was paged for a delivery a few minutes after he turned out the light. After a few hours of sleep we ate breakfast and headed out to the local farmer's market. Surprisingly, the weather was warm enough that I could wear flip-flops! :) After walking around the farmer's market for a bit and admiring all the wooden crafts, moose earrings, giant (8lb) cabbages, and Alaskan wildlife photography, we headed to the Alaska Coffee Roasting Co. to get some studying done. 

HA. It turns out that lack of sleep and being in Alaska with my hubby (after 3 weeks of separation) is not conducive to studying pathology... or anything school related. I tried (really, really, really hard) to focus, but one unproductive hour later we were out the door to hike some trails behind the University of Alaska. Our hike started off well until our trail turned into a moose trail, which led us into a swampy creek area filled with moss that oozed water and sank about 5 inches when you stepped on it. Needless to say, Matt ended up giving me a piggy back ride most of the way so my mesh running shoes wouldn't get soaked (they did anyways). Eventually, we found our way to the highway, where a construction worker directed us to the correct path back to our car. 

We headed back to Matt's place, ate some lunch and took a much needed nap. On our way to dinner (yay Thai food!) we stopped at a park and looked at a glacier river. I should have taken a picture, but I forgot. One thing I noticed about Fairbanks, was how quiet it was. There is not a lot of traffic noise and when you're surrounded by nature, that's all you can hear. It was a wonderful break from sitting in a classroom all day. Also, Thai food seems to be a staple around here. I think I counted 10 thai restaurants as we drove around. After dinner, we made a quick grocery store trip to get snacks for our hiking trip and stopped at the hospital so Matt could check on a patient. Then we picked up another OB med student named Kat and her husband, and drove outside of town to star gazing and look for the Northern Lights. The stars were gorgeous and the Northern lights were breathtaking. The lights were a pale green color and not super vivid, but still beautiful. Watching the aurora borealis change shape and direction across the sky made it worth the freezing cold wind. 

Sunday - September 6th

Sunday morning we accidentally slept through our alarm, but still made it out the door at a reasonable time to drive to Denali National Park. The weather was crystal clear and Matt was advised to take this opportunity to go see the mountain. Apparently, very few visitors actually get to see Mt Denali because clouds usually obscure it. Luckily for us, we saw the snow-covered mountain several times on our drive to the park. 

Even if we hadn't seen Denali, the drive to the park alone would have been worth the trip. Fairbanks is transitioning into fall - all the trees are shades of yellow, gold, orange, and a few patches of red. The colorful trees, rolling hills, and peaks of snow-covered mountains created a picturesque drive. We   I couldn't resist taking a few photos on our drive over. 

When we arrived at Denali National Park we headed towards Mt Healy overlook trail. Matt and I seriously lucked out with weather - we could not have had a more beautiful day to hike this mountain. The views were spectacular and absolutely worth the grueling straight-up-hill trek. Once we reached the peak of Mt Healy, we decided to go another mile in with the hope of seeing a closer view of Denali. Unfortunately, we weren't able to see Denali from where we stopped, but the 360 views were gorgeous. We ate lunch and admired the views until the wind sent us back down the mountain. Much to my disappointment, we didn't see any bears or moose.  

View of our end point from Mt Healy. We hiked to the second peak.   

On our way out of the park, we stopped at a Christmas store and picked up an ornament to remember our trip and some coffee to keep us awake on the ride home. The time flew by and I couldn't believe it was already time to pack up and head to the airport. It's hard to imagine I was in Alaska for less than two days, but Matt and I packed the time with memories and new adventures. Fairbanks was gorgeous and the weather was perfect. I'm so happy I had this time with Matt to explore someplace new and reconnect after our time apart. We're both so busy with school that it's easy to become preoccupied and forget how much fun we have walking through life together. 

Now... only 18 more days until Matt is back in Boise for good! 

My Other Guy...

Let me be honest - a medical marriage is not easy, especially during the school years. Matt spent the majority of his time in class or studying, and I needed to develop new friendships to stay sane during our year in Seattle. In late August 2014 I met a very special guy. He's a part-time student and lives with his parents so he also had a lot of free time. We hit it off the second we met when he professed his love of the How to Train Your Dragon franchise. Since that fateful day, we've spent many afternoons together and he's just the cutest! He notices when I paint my toenails and compliments my outfits and earrings on a regular basis (usually if I'm wearing something Disney related - score!). Not to mention, we enjoy the same activities. Tickle fights, walking on the beach, reading, going to the zoo, doing puzzles, watching Disney movies, the list goes on! On a daily basis he makes me laugh and I always look forward to seeing him. On the rare occasion when I've spent the night, we cuddle and he tells me he can't wait to see me in the morning. 

Heart melted.  

Sadly, our time together is coming to an end - 13 days to be exact. :( And I tear up when I think about it.  Matt undoubtably has my entire heart, but this guy... he occupies a portion Matt just can't have (and he's ok with it). 

Look how cute he is!   

Where are we?

Friends and family have asked about our move to Idaho, how Matt's clinical rotations work, and when does Sam start school again? To sum it all up... 

• Matt is already in Idaho living with his parents. 
• I am in West Seattle living with my nanny family until I move to Idaho on August 17th for ISU's orientation.  
• Matt is doing all of his clinical rotations in the Boise area, except an OB rotation in Fairbanks, Alaska which starts August 17th.  

At this point, most people stop me and ask with bewilderment, "you're not living together? Wait... so you're apart for how long?" 3 months... or 12 weeks or 84 days. However you want to look at, it's a long time for us. Thankfully, Matt's transition weekend (when he moves from Boise to Alaska) perfectly aligns with my cousin Katie's wedding in Portland (thank you Jesus!) For a brief 39 hours -yes, I counted - we will have time to reconnect before Matt relocates to the land of sketchy t-mobile phone service and I dive into grad school. 

So this is where we are right now. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by two adorable kids who give me lots of hugs and kisses and constantly say, "Sam, let's play!" These kiddos keep me entertained and occupied so I don't miss Matt as much. Meanwhile, Matt is so busy with his pediatrics rotation that he doesn't have much time for anything.

Overall, our situation is working out really well, but I still miss living with my best friend. We've been apart since July 5th (24 days) and are starting to reach the point where texts are misinterpreted as snippy instead of good-natured. More often than not, I feel more alone when we say goodnight than grateful we had the chance to catch up. I have to remind myself how lucky I am that Matt's an 8 hour drive away, and not over an ocean in Afghanistan (kudos to military families - they put up with so much and I don't think I could do it). Everyone has their own struggles, and living apart is currently ours. We are trying to make the most of it by staying connected through skype calls and snap chats to keep each other updated and uplifted. Thank goodness for technology! Snail mail does not work for this girl. 

Kauai 2015

Did I mention our weekend together in Portland is only 16 days away?!?! :)